Space: In Your Face
by Dr. Santo D. Marabella, The Practical Prof®
Personal space? What’s that? Any person raised by a first, or even second-generation Italian (substitute any European ethnicity, and probably many more) will give you the same reaction. We don’t know what it is, cuz we never had any. Or, if we did, it’s so infinitesimally small, that we never considered it personal or space.
Psychologists have shared many conceptualizations for looking at personal development: Piaget’s stages of cognitive development; Maslow’s hierarchy of needs development; Erikson and psychosocial development; and, Kohlberg’s stages of moral development. All very helpful in their own right.
Unfortunately, none of these development masters gives one bit of insight into the nature and rationale for codifying my experience of personal space. So, I will.
I call it In Your Face Space. In Your Face Space is a conceptualization for understanding the cultural phenomenon in which there is no personal space. Personal space is guzzled by Space Invaders, comprised of the least likely suspects — the person’s family and friends.
Let’s look at the framework, in all its glorious stages!
Stage 1 — Smothering Space (pre-birth to one year old)
In this stage, the person gets their first taste of no space. It is important to distinguish that they are psychologically, not physically, “smothered.” It is one of the reasons this is the most difficult stage to recognize, along with the fact that it occurs at a super young age. However, it would be unwise (tragic?) to ignore or minimize the impact this stage has on a person.
This stage is characterized by coddling, attention, worship and adoration. And, not just by parents and grandparents, by everyone with whom the person comes in contact. That’s a requirement for having contact — you must smother the person. Not only does this ensure the groundwork is laid for the subsequent steps, it is the surest guarantee the person will be engaged and committed (for life?) to being okay with not having personal space!
Stage 2 — Joyous Space (one year to 12 years old)
This stage continues the no space conditioning. It is a period characterized by physicality — snuggling, hugging and bonding, all of which seem good on the surface. The person experiences great joy, mostly. They feel included, a valued member of the clan, socially fulfilled. But, there is no such thing as free space in this framework — costs, or more precisely violations, are present, albeit not that easily recognizable.
Take cheek-pinching. Innocent enough and widely condoned. This is probably because it is primarily perpetrated by the more senior members of the person’s family/friend network. The elderly get a free pass, while the person’s cheek and ego get a bruise.
And, what conversation about personal space would be complete without the “spit-on-your face to remove schmutz” space violation. People think that the use of a tissue or hanky as an intermediary for said-silva makes it more palatable. Well, I’m here to tell it does not. It is still gross having spittal on your face from someone you are not dating!
I had hoped the pandemic would have lead these practices to extinction. But, alas, they have not. I recommended enjoying the joy in this stage, as it is fleeting and unstainable.
Stage 3 — My House, My Space (12 to 22 years old)
If the last stage was built on physically nullifying personal space, this stage, is embedded in more psychological and emotional tactics. One could draw parallels to terrorism and wouldn’t be completely dismissed.
True, the person has more physical separation of space — separate rooms, privacy in the bathroom (unless it’s inconvenient), an identity that begins to be defined by the person’s personality and talents, not just their Space Invaders. However, what they don’t realize is as physical space becomes more present, the emotional strings become stronger.
Things like hovering — standing over the person while they are seated — and supervising — literally watching the person perform a routine task, like taking out the trash. These are just yellow flags of tightening the emotional strings.
The flashing red light flags include: cars, curfews and the infamous, “as long as you’re in my house,” tactic. These represent the Big Three bargaining “chips” of adolescent space negotiation. Getting the car and getting a later curfew are similar. The person must acknowledge and play the game, which usually entails a restriction or requirement — don’t drink and drive, don’t do drugs. Okay, these may be bad examples to make my case, but the bottom line is, the Space Invaders always win, if you want the car or curfew. And, if that’s not enough of an incentive, the Space Invaders will have no trouble resorting to playing the “my house, my rules” card. And, unless the person has their own beach-front bungalow or cabin in the woods, the Space Invaders will prevail.
Stage 4 — Fake Space (23 to 30 years old)
Stage 4 must be described as a tease. I see no other way. In this stage, the person gets a little cocky and falls right into the trap of Fake Space. The cockiness comes from traces of independence because they have education, work experience or live on their own — or a combination of all three. Regrettably, this is not enough to overcome the person’s naiveté. It is only enough to tease them into thinking their personal space is real.
It’s not! It’s a high wire, tightrope act through which the person is convinced they have their personal space, and to some extent they do, but, only while they are on the rope. One bad move, and they’re on their butts in the netless plane of Fake Space.
This can be a challenging time for the person as they wrestle with the reality of not having personal space. They can continue to fight it, and live a life of constant struggle, stuck in Stage 4, or they can capitulate and finally find inner peace.
Stage 5 — In Your Face Forever Space (31 years old until you or your Space Invader dies)
Those who surrender, move to the final stage, Stage 5. In this stage, the person must accept these harsh realities: they will never have personal space, and their Space Invader(s) will always be in their face. For those who truly embrace these realities, not just acknowledge them, their reward is significant. They are never alone; they never have to long for unsolicited advice or opinion; and, they never ever have to worry needlessly about respecting or even being aware of boundaries. It can be quite freeing in an intrusive, confining kind of way.
I hope the In Your Face concept of personal space helps you sort through the challenges you may have been so lucky to have experienced. I know it’s helped me come to accept that personal space is really over-rated!
So, I’d really love to hear all about your sex life, finances and sociopolitical views …Go!
